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Cameron on: People Written By Cameron and posted on: 10-13-08 Someone once told me: "Man, you can't worry about your problems all the time. The only thing that will do is make you angry and stressed out. You've got to take time to smell the roses, and shit. The little things, you know?". As cliche as that sounds, it kind of made sense at the time, so I set out to find these elusive "little things" that would make me happy and less stressed; Zen, if you will. In true scientific fashion, I started out by studying my immediate surroundings. This yielded nothing that would make me happy, as I was at work and hate my job. So, I shifted my search into the odd and sometimes interesting behaviors of the people with whom I come in contact. People are a funny bunch of creatures, we have these odd little habits that, in a way, define us. I took the time to write down a bit about everyone I spoke with that day, and now I've looked through my notes and categorized my observations for your enjoyment. Joke Explainers: Nothing sticks in my craw worse than some feeble minded court jester that doesn't understand that, sometimes, a joke just isn't funny. They will go to great lengths, making sure they get every word just right, to tell you this horribly constructed piece of comedy platinum and when you don't immediately fall over dead from laughter, feel the need to "make you understand". Usually, it's some kind of bazooka Joe pun that wasn't funny in 1953 when it was written and has not, like wine or Helen Mirren, gotten better with age. Case in point: "You see, this puzzle says five to eight years, but I did it in an hour!, Yuk, yuk. You see, cause 'five to eight years' is talking about how old kids are supposed to be to do the puzzle, NOT how long it's supposed to take. You get it? You get it?!!!" Yes, my friend, I understood your joke, it's just NOT FUCKING FUNNY! Uhhh People: You know these types. They're the ones who never take the time to formulate their sentences in their heads before opening their moronic meth mouths. The result is something like this: "So, uhhhh me and Dan uhhhh we were uhhh going down the uhhhhh store uhhhh when some dude uhhh just jumped out uhhhhh from behind uhhhh a uhhh bush uhhh with a uhhhh nun uhhh in a headlock!" Please, people, stop doing this. Not only does it make you sound completely ignorant, it also makes you come across as one of those narcissistic assholes who seems to love the sound of their own voice so much that they can't shut up for five fucking seconds. Which brings me to..... People who cant shut up for five fucking seconds: This person is usually an uhhh person. And, as if that wasn't annoying enough, they also feel the need to share with you every thought that pops into their brains. At all times. It doesn't matter if you walk away. No, they keep on talking. I once had one of these folks going on about some insignificant dross for a solid thirty minutes WHILE I SLEPT. I literally went to sleep, woke up thirty minutes later, and they were still talking. Maybe they stopped talking while you were asleep, I imagine you saying. No. I asked. I told them that I had been asleep, and so THEY TOLD THE FUCKINNG STORY AGAIN! Name Droppers: Just because you know some director or producer's name does not make you important! I love it when these folks come up to me saying things like "Bob Rock produced Metallica's latest album!". As if I fucking care. God forbid you tell a name dropper that you don't care because if you do, you're in for a lecture about how important whatever famous they're talking about person really is. It's as if they believe that just knowing something so trivial makes them "connected". Yeah, I'm sure you're friends with all sorts of famous folks. I know, you only work here for pocket money. In reality, you are a well connected Hollywood mogul who eats sushi off Angelina Jolie's tits while Brad Pitt goes to fetch you coffee. Sadly, here my notes run out. Okay, maybe it's not that sad, but either way, I'm done. I'm sure I've missed a large portion of the population and I'm also sure there are several more annoying traits just lying in wait for me but, since they didn't present themselves while I was taking notes for this article, they'll have to lie their asses there for a while longer. |
